if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
