She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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