By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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