it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
