Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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