its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
