I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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