she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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