Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize