I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
