good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she told me i tasted like america
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
