I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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