Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
