girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
