Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
