If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
