so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
