Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize