I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
