just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
