Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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