life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
