I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
