i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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