Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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