Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
this boner is exhausting
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
