Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
