I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
