like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
