dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
