I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
