ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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