When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
