woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
