Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
