I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
