I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
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