I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
