I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
