if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
