Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
