I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
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