it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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