Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
