I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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