Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
