I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
