my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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