from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
