He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
jump out the window naked night went bad
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
