Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I have tasted many bathrooms
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
