On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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