so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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