how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
