i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
