I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just pynch a tree in the face
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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