New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
We had to coat check the pizza.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
