You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
