i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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